Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of turtledumplin's best tweets

@turtledumplin : We all have that one friend who thinks they can sing...and if you can't think of who, that friend is you.

@turtledumplin: When a cop pulls you over, pull out a map and ask them for directions until they forget that they pulled you over.

-me, right now

@turtledumplin: Someone on my FB posted a snap that said "I'm boared"

And I'm just like.......
*don't comment
*don't comment
*don't comment
*don't comment

@turtledumplin: Me: I don't know how to dance to this kind of music

Beer: yes you do

@turtledumplin: I won't slam on my brakes if someone's tailgating me...I will, however, take my foot off the accelerator and slowly come to a stop.

@turtledumplin: 8yo: mommy how old are you?

Me: 46

8yo: *blink blink* so you seen a real dinosaur?

@turtledumplin: A zombie apocalypse will be the only time you'll hear me say 'please don't eat me'

......aaaand send

@turtledumplin: Before he leaves for work, my husband whispers the 3 words I love to hear him say...

"I made coffee"

@turtledumplin: Why would anyone come on Twitter JUST to argue?

Don't you have an ex, or a spouse, or a family member that you can argue with?