If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
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I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker