Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
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Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed