My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
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People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙