Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
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(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies