me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
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#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters