Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
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In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Does beer think about me too?
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*