My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
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Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Try and stop me.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.