Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
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There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Livid.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*