Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
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Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home