No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
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Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.