If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
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Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.