Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
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They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
A small tragedy.