My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
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Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
only 11 steps left
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do