Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of unravelingfire's best tweets

@unravelingfire : Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

@unravelingfire: Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

@unravelingfire: Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma'am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it's weird.

@unravelingfire: Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

@unravelingfire: Him: You're sexy as hell.

Her: I'm an atheist.

Him: You're sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

@unravelingfire: Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.

@unravelingfire: Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN'T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED

@unravelingfire: Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: ...

@unravelingfire: Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

@unravelingfire: People say I'm not very responsible, when in fact I'm responsible for "pajama casual" being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.