@unravelingfire: Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN'T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
@unravelingfire: Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
@unravelingfire: People say I'm not very responsible, when in fact I'm responsible for "pajama casual" being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
@unravelingfire: Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
@unravelingfire: I'm like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you're in, everyone is super impressed.
@unravelingfire: If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
@unravelingfire: Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma'am, I just called to see if you're happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.