Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of unravelingfire's best tweets

@unravelingfire : Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex? Ma'am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it's weird.

@unravelingfire: Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

@unravelingfire: Him: You're sexy as hell.

Her: I'm an atheist.

Him: You're sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

@unravelingfire: Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.

@unravelingfire: Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN'T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED

@unravelingfire: Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: ...

@unravelingfire: Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

@unravelingfire: People say I'm not very responsible, when in fact I'm responsible for "pajama casual" being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.

@unravelingfire: Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.

Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.

@unravelingfire: I'm like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you're in, everyone is super impressed.