Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of urmumsausername's best tweets

@urmumsausername : The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe Fruit flies everywhere! I tried to kill them But I just ended up giving them a round of applause

@urmumsausername: At first I was afraid
I'd be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it's trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current's strong
Will I be dead before too long?

@urmumsausername: *Unexpected item in the bagging area*

Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?

@urmumsausername: Do the sellers of 'The Daily Cannabis' newspaper shout

"WEED ALL ABOUT IT!" ?

They so should

@urmumsausername: My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn't actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.

@urmumsausername: Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

@urmumsausername: I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn't turn it down
Could I?

@urmumsausername: Dear America

Would you please take the 's' off the word 'legos' and put it back on the word 'math' where it belongs.

Many thanks

England