thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
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“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.