“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 馃檨
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doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
When I die I鈥檓 going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don鈥檛 want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I鈥檝e got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* 鈥o get their pic-a-nic baskets.
He鈥檚 a 10 but so is his volume.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
If I win Poweball we鈥檙e all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai鈥ake!
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don鈥檛 have to put on pants
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.