When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
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Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
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