me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
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I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done