Funny Tweeter

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Page of vanderheydensax's best tweets

@vanderheydensax : [Name origins] Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour. Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil. Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.

@vanderheydensax: Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we're out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON'T RUSH THEM!

@vanderheydensax: "Well, you only live once."
- Guy, convincing himself to skydive

"Well, you only live once."
- Me, convincing myself not to skydive