[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
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If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Cake!!
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
New mindset, who dis?
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.