My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
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My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
and now we wait
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I support this random dude and all his protests
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Important
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again