Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 馃か
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[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid鈥檚 sole understanding of current events isn鈥檛 constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you鈥檙e busy?
Me: *laughing*
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn鈥檛 know her she goes to another tribe
nyc:
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I鈥檒l start going to the gym tomorrow.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Mom, can you come pick me up? I鈥檓 at a party and someone is coughing.
Dasani water taste like it鈥檚 been sitting in a water gun
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Netflix My bladder
馃
Streaming on demand
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you鈥檙e wondering what it鈥檚 like to be a mom.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don鈥檛 do this.
Me: I didn鈥檛 make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I鈥檓 married to a dad.
My peeves aren鈥檛 pets. They鈥檙e family.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.