It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
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Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
IT’S-A ME,
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?