Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
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This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.