Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
You Might Also Like
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy