Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
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i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
One of the best
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.