Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
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[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.