Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
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bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
The USS B port
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.