I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
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[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*