Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
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a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.