@vineyille: FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
@vineyille: "First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO" - presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
@vineyille: Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
@vineyille: "I saw mommy kissing santa claus" has the same number of syllables as "I saw someone die at Disney World." Life's funny like that.
@vineyille: Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of... yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I'll bring it
@vineyille: My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they've taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
@vineyille: If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain