I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
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Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Did a trash talking tree write this?
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.