Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
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CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.