*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
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Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets