Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
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[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Seems kinda suspicious
Love is in the air fryer.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
My birth announcement for our third baby
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.