Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
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Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.