wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
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Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.