The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
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ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes