*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
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CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.