There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
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I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
calling in to work dehydrated
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money