*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
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I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.