Pretty much. 🤣
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My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here