Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
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I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough