You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
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9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Trains are just sideway elevators.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.