Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
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how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.