my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
You Might Also Like
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
There is no “we” in pizza
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”