Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
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me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Webb. James Webb.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”