maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
You Might Also Like
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
these two trucks have the same bed length
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?