her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
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Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!